Personal growth isn’t inevitable like how you would think of development. It’s not innate or something that comes with a manual. It’s something that takes hard work, consistency, and unfortunately, time. The last part is what’s the most difficult. Knowing that you want progress, but you’re not ready for the growth yet. Lately I’ve been feeling like a vision is manifesting in front of my eyes. All the worry, all the doubt, all the confusion, it’s finally gone. The fog of “disbelief” has cleared, and now my path and more importantly, my vision seems crystal clear.
I don’t know why it took so long for me to see this, and to feel that I was worthy. That I was meant to make a difference and that with patience and faith, I possess the skill set to make my vision true.
For me, I think it all started with my internship for Tyler’s Hope. Being of service to the organization humbled me, and made me grateful to be able to contribute in a direct way. But the true inspiration came when I had the opportunity to compile the research and convert it into laymen’s terms.
At the time, I didn’t understand research, and I dam sure couldn’t read the papers. But I read the abstracts, and did the best I could. Memories like this make me sit back and reflect on my growth. I’ve gone from passing all chem classes with c’s and the scrape of my teeth, to developing my own research project, and graduating with my masters in chemistry.
It’s funny how things seem to work out for you. I remember the numerous nights of tears, crying and thinking I wasn’t built for this. But I wanted it. I wanted so bad to be able to ace my classes. I had a hard time accepting that my passion for science would outweigh my academic performance. But nevertheless, with little guidance, I kept pushing along.
What I didn’t understand then that I understand now, is I needed to WAIT to be great. I needed to give myself TIME to develop and allow my academic maturity to grow. God wasn’t ready for me to take over my dreams, and I needed to be patient.
It’s hard explaining to others the feeling of having a passion and not being able to understand how to get there. It’s frustrating, it’s anxiety-ridden, and quite frankly, it’s exhausting. But one thing I grew over time was grit and resilience. You could knock me down a thousand times, and I would somehow find a way to get my ass back up. I may be bloody, I may be fatigue, but I NEVER quit.
Later on I realized that God needed more time on me to develop my confidence from multiple perspectives: the confidence to speak up for myself, to ask a question, to QUESTION something out loud, and most of all to be confident in my abilities. That’s what grad school did for me. It built me. It raised my legs on two stilts and told me to STAND TALL. And that I was built for this.
It’s not learned, it’s not given, but it is developed and manifested over time.
Julian, my husband says it often, but I didn’t realize it. I’m IMPULSIVE for my dreams. Why? Because I AM so passionate and because I do want the ultimate ending. But again, growth doesn’t happen on my time, it happens on God’s. If you’re bothered by my directness and my faith, then you need to stop reading. But I’m a believer of the Almighty. Based on my background and where I’m from, I was predicted to be pregnant at 16 and dropped out of college. Yes, I have a beautiful step daughter named Ellah, but that’s for another chapter. Despite ALL the odds against me, I fight BACK. And I show others it CAN be done, and you can break the box society puts you in.
You see, I’m very different. I’m educated, I’m social, I’m inquisitive but dam, do I swear a lot. And that’s okay. I’m ME. I DONT fit a box. And I don’t fit a culture. Why? Because I’m just ME. There isn’t much to discuss besides that.
That’s all for now folks.
To be continued